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i had someone private message me with their greatest fear, in response to a question i asked in a previous journal entry..

i'm NOT going to copy this persons letter here... but i AM gonna share my response to them ...



Their greatest fear.... was being "found out".. they are living a life that they feel is .. a lie.. they want out, they want a fresh start... their very words were "I am what someone else wants me to be"....



and i know how that feels ...



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wow..

for one... what your father said to you may be one of the most "deep" bits of wisdom i have ever heard....



for another ...

i understand the living a lie thing..

though my situation is MUCH different than yours in most ways, what we do have in common is being what someone else wants us to be..



i wish i had some deep bit of wisdom to lay at your feet, that would in some way help.. but i dont.



i broke away from my lie for a little while.. i came here to Colorado, and made a bit of my own world. only to have to watch it falling apart.. and back home .. a script is awaiting my return, and soon, i will HAVE to go back and play the part written for me.. because of my failure here ...



i too have made great friends here, in my lil world i carved out for myself.. but even the me THEY know, isnt the complete truth.. i have learned over the years that to keep most of my real self hidden and locked away, is the best policy ... not the honesty we hear so much about .. not when it comes to revealing what i really am and feel inside...



part of me wants to tell you to break away... to take that chance and strike out on your own, to make your own world and write your own script.. but i cant .... because quite honestly (ooo theres that word again...) if i had a script like yours... i would hold on to it for dear life...



part of me sees you write "i dont want to be here" .. and it breaks my heart... because i KNOW how that feels....



look for the silver lining?

take it with a grain of salt?

what other quaint old sayings can i throw at you?

none of them will make either of us feel any better huh?

*sigh*



my GREATEST fear?

to die without ever knowing what it feels like to be realy REALLY loved, to die alone with nothing to "look back on" as a loving moment... just before i let out my last breath.. to live the rest of my life, JUST as i am living now ... alone ...



at least, my friend, you arent that ....



T

new song on my profile ...

and awesome (to me at least) background



*sigh*



had a wonderful message from an old friend ..



i hope you're right ...

but we KNOW how things go for me lol

so here is a pic of my new friend Sue ..

before you scroll down to look at it, i GOTTA tell yah, shes 60 years old, and one of the COOLEST people i have ever met !!



we have a blast at work,.. its like the best job i have ever had lol and its ALL because of her...



last night after work.. we hung out for another 2 and a half hours, at the picnic tables... drinking beer, talking, hanging out with a couple guys from the hotel... we hadda blast...



we are going out tomorrow after work, to The White Buffalo Bar.. i cant wait !!!



so anyway lol Sue is 60, covered in tats and piercings, and wiccan.... and just plain fucking awesome !!

COMMENTS

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CarnelianMyst
01:33 Aug 12 2008

Now THAT is coolness. She rocks!

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video i made MY DAYUM SELF of Travis :)

you'll notice, if you watch long enough, that not only do i tell the security guard that i'll go in a second lol , then i get all excited and forget to turn the camera OFF when i DO move on down hahaha

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Amaltheia
15:24 Aug 04 2008

wooot! I didn't see the KayKay though =[

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DarkCthulhu
15:29 Aug 04 2008

Awesome, you rock girl! Or country?...lol.

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Sinora
16:22 Aug 04 2008

Well done you lol

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SeleneTremere
15:41 Aug 07 2008

Damn! You mean you didn't try to bribe the security guard?? You had prime video land there girl! lol

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I'll tell you what it was...

IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

got up with Wendell before the show, got some hugs and the shirt autographed, then got run off by security (THE FUCKING PRICKS)..

OBVIOUSLY none of the guys wives were with them, cuz they played for over two FUCKING hours (OMMFG!!!) and after the show, Steve came down and hung out a while, got some vid of him, getting my hug and stuff..

OMFG... it was GREATTTTTTTT!!!



if the vids ever upload lol.. i'll share one really good one of Travis up close, and one of Wendell and Steve :)

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Amaltheia
17:42 Aug 03 2008

YAYY!!!!

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